Suffocate.

         Well, I am out doing homework.. you can see how well that's going as I have resorted to updating my blog since it has been a very long time. Goal for the day: Finish up my Evolutionary Theory class. One 8 page paper is all that stands between me and being school free... for a month. Brief update on things lately. Passport has yet to arrive which is a slightly stressful situation. I think the passport phone people stress me out more than need be. They can't tell me anything. I get they aren't allowed to, but still so annoying. So I just paid the fee to get it rush ordered in hopes to speed up the process and get it here on time. It's funny cause all of a sudden in the past three days I have gotten worried about it so started really praying the passport would get here so I wouldn't have to pay the fee. My pastor always says to pray fervently and with faith believing that God will actually do something. So I did. I prayed expecting God to make the status of my passport say 'being shipped' rather than 'processing application' before Friday. As much as I wanted God to run on my time this week, apparently He still knows better and His timing is still better as the status still reads 'processing application.' So I continue to fervently pray expecting that regardless of the timing, God will work it out as He has done with everything up to this point.

          Then there's the packing. Ugh. I still need to get business casual clothes. I know, shocker that I don't have business casual attire. I have been jotting down a list of things that I need to bring so hopefully I won't forget too many things. My game plan is to shuffle out my paper today so that all I have left to focus on is preparing and packing for Thailand.

          I have decided that although I am not a morning person (that's not the new revelation) I need my time with God in the morning. I got this great devotional book from my wonderful roommate last year called 'The Jesus Calling'- if you haven't done it, do it. Or don't. But if you are looking for a good devotional book, I recommend it. The only thing I have discovered is don't be dependent on your devotional book. Devo books are great but also make it easy to spend a quick ten minutes with God and read the few verses referenced in the text. Be cautious. But anyways, I would go read that day's devotion at night or after work and wish I would have had those words to have carried with me throughout the day. Not because it's not some peace or wisdom or advice or whatever that God couldn't have spoken to me outside the devotional book, but because I didn't give Him the time to speak into my busy day until the business was over. For me, it's one thing for me to spend time with God each day. It is an entirely other thing to begin my day with Him and invite Him to journey through the day with me. The nice thing about devotional books is it gives you a quick bit to start your day with if you don't have much time in the morning. Game plan: sunrise devos (maybe late sunrise, but still sunrise). Speaking of sunrise (good transition eh?), I had an entertaining thought yesterday. I was on a morning run, got back, keeled over, watched the sun coming up and lost the breath I was already short of. I thought of all the breathtaking views I have seen and how such seemingly simple things are so beautiful. There are hundreds of sunrises, but they never get old. Then I thought 'Man, the Creator is of unimaginable beauty, far beyond anything I have ever seen or can fathom.' People always wonder what it will be like when they are face to face with the Father and how wonderful it will be. I have decided all of His beauty and glory will certainly be breathtaking, unimaginably breathtaking- so I will suffocate. I mean it's only logical :). Good thing He is the giver of life and can resuscitate my breathless body- I mean He breathed the breath of life into Adam, pretty sure He can do it again. This thought process, of course, was one where I cracked myself up. 

Now that I have procrastinated for a sufficient amount of time, I will crank out my 8 page paper. Quick note though, if you haven't been already, pray for the Colorado fires and those affected by it. It truly is devastating. It is incredible how powerless we are in such situations. God help us. 

Pray. Persevere.

K

Let me help you.

I don't have a lot to say at the moment, but would like to give a quick update. 

One: after continually trying to remind myself that my Father will provide, I laid in bed restless for two hours last night thinking of what I needed to do or what I could do to take care of everything myself. Not the way to go, I know. Independence can be a burden. Luckily, I am continually humbled by the failure of my own efforts. 

Two: I should really own the words that I speak and whole-heartedly believe God will provide. Today, I spent time looking everywhere online to find temporary positions, babysitting jobs, anything that would provide me with some extra funds in the next few weeks. This isn't my first go at this either. I have done several attempts previous to today. But this time I got a week long gig! Not through my own efforts, however. A rather random call came into work asking for a babysitter for next week. I am insanely filled with joy as I see God's providence. Even in my times of worry and doubt, He draws me nearer to Him and desires for me to fully trust Him. 

Three: I don't know why it is so difficult for me to cast my worries on God. I know He can handle them, I know I can't, I know I am being foolish. Despite everything that I know, I never seem to actually know much. Knowing and owning are two entirely different actions. Or maybe knowing leads to owning... Regardless, the challenge is getting from point A to B, from knowing to owning. James 1:22-25 says "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do." This is me. Disregarding the words God is speaking. I want to be the voice you're seeking, not the voice competing. I have repeatedly heard this throughout the year. This time, it is my own voice competing with what my Father is speaking to me.  

Four: The heading in my devotional book this morning: Let Me Help You. I think one of the coolest things is our living God. That through a generic devotional book, He makes it personalized. He speaks to me. 

My not a lot to say turned into more than I thought. It happens (and happens frequently if you're me.)

Listen. Trust. Peace. Joy.

K

One Month. One Year.

I got busy and lost enthusiasm for blogging after only a few short days. Who could have seen this coming...

I know, everyone saw that one coming. There are no guarantees on the frequency of my posts, but there will still be posts! Yep, Kaleesha will still post on her blog- life can go on for all of my many dedicated fans. 

The cool thing is, you can still know somewhat what is going on in my life. See if I am not being diligent in my blog, I am probably not being diligent in much else. Because my life revolves around my blogging... not really. It just reflects my level of laziness. For instance, all weekend I did no homework, rare God time, little exercise, no blogging. Today, I have enjoyed God time, completed two homework assignments, ran, and here I am blogging. For today, I am back on the ball. 

An update on Thailand:

As of today, I have exactly one month prior to my departure to Thailand! In realizing this, some worry set in. I have been reminding myself all day that my Father already knows my needs, but it has taken continual reminding. I also find peace in His direction and timing. For those of you who don't know, I had intentions of going on a missions trip with my school to Cambodia last summer- but that didn't work out. I began preparing and fundraising, then bailed on the trip. Not going to lie, I was a bit confused about why I dropped the trip. I told everyone I just didn't have peace about it and it turned into a huge burden and I didn't feel it was where I was supposed to be. But then I questioned if I quit because it didn't seem like God was providing. But the thing is, I am blessed with an incredible family who supports me in any way they can in anything I do. So I was reassured in realizing that with God's direction, my family's support and my own dedication, I could have gone to Cambodia- but I didn't. And I didn't figure out why it was God wasn't sending me to Cambodia until I got home. Many of you know, my dad passed away last summer. Exactly one year ago this month. I struggled immensely in my relationship with him and struggled through freshman year trying to work through these problems. You know why we struggled so much? Because we were so much alike. It is a hard thing to realize that you are incredibly similar to the person who pisses you off the most. From the time I got home until June 6th, I spent some of the best time and hardest time with my father. And honestly, more time than I had spent with him in a long time. God blessed me, my family and my father far more in that month at home than I ever could have experienced in Cambodia. Praise Him for His perfect timing. Despite all the chaos surrounding preparation for Thailand, its different. I have peace in knowing its His plan, and I can't mess that up. I may not always be a good listener, but I am confident that all the time I have spent in prayer and preparation is aligned with my Father's will. He is not deceiving. Despite my foolish worries, I trust in His plan and direction. 

"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting in You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You."    Psalm 143:8

Trust.

K

Broken Windshield.

Prepare yourselves for an incredibly awesome cliche...
First off, to clarify on my purpose for this blog, this is to fill you in on the entire journey. Not all of it will be specifically mentioning Thailand, but rather my thoughts, discoveries and questions that arise prior to it. Some of it may seem random, and probably is. Like this one.

Broken. To be broken. It's an interesting thing. Incredibly beautiful and incredibly painful all in one. 


This morning on my way to work at the lovely CCU Welcome Center (call me ; ] ), a van passed me. Wait, it gets better- a little better anyways. A van passed me and kicked a rock behind it. Yep, you've got it figured out- chip in my windshield. So, here I am, at Starbuck's waiting for my windshield to be fixed. Ready for the cliche? Here it is, if the windshield were never broken, it would never need to be fixed. Simple, right? But frankly, I would have preferred it if the thing never broke then I wouldn't have had to pay to fix it. If you think about it, when do we ever really want anything to be broken? 


God breaks us to grow us and draw us nearer to Him. Inside I know I should want to be broken by God, but being broken sucks (that's the professional terminology). That is, when focusing on ourselves, being broken sucks. It is frustrating, painful, annoying, confrontational; yet, beautiful, humbling, empowering, glorifying. That is, when focusing on God, it is beautiful. There is two parts to something being broken, the breaking and the restoration (and the time in between...). Are both parts beautiful? Well, here's my thoughts. Healing can't come without the breaking. When one realizes the product of the breaking, I think it makes even the 'sucky' part beautiful. See, the cool thing about being broken by God is He doesn't just repair what He broke. He doesn't slap a bandage on it, stitch it up, seal it, etc.; our God is a Creator, He molds it. But to mold something, you need material. A small chip is not enough to mold, for God to mold you requires being completely broken. It just sounds fun, right? Here's where the beauty comes in. God doesn't mold you into the same creation you were before; He changes you. This change isn't just a simple, random little alteration, it has purpose. The purpose: to make you more like Him. I once heard someone say that the most unselfish thing God could do was make everything for Him. Sounds backwards, I know, but think about it; perfect God, perfect universe, perfect everything all to Himself. But He let us intrude. He even made the intruders. Not the smartest game plan, eh? I would have kept it to myself; good thing I'm not God, you wouldn't be here. Then, he loves the intruders, sends His Son to die for them and wants them to be like Him. If I were perfect, I would be proud of it and proud of the fact that no one else could reach my standard. Again, it's a dang good thing I am not God; we would all be hopeless. So, that's it, let God break you. If only it were so simple. Getting to the breaking and surrender is difficult in itself, let alone that it's not a 'one and done' deal. See, we have far too many faults, along with other factors: far too stubborn, far too prideful, far too independent. For me, I am all the above. I don't let God break me until I reach my limit and am left hopeless by my own efforts. I'm working on it. Holding God's hand for the before, during and after the breaking= less pain, more joy, more difficult. 
" My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." Psalm 51:17
Surrender. Trust. Listen. Obey.


K

On the ball.

That's right, Kaleesha is on the ball and starting her travel blog a month before her trip; let's see how long the ambition lasts. See, I thought maybe I should try out this whole journaling thing ahead of time; ya know, like a practice run or something. It could be productive. Right?

Well, it is just over a month before my departure to Thailand, which means the rush of preparation has begun. Oh joy. I mean that in the best way possible; I am undoubtedly excited for the approaching adventure, but the details in the preparation balance out the excitement a bit. On the plus side, I think most of the 'details' are done. Everything is completed as far as payments, forms and passport items go, so preparation anxiety has slowed down some for about three weeks. Then there is the more mental and spiritual side of preparation. That's where things can get more tricky, or simple, depending on your view. How do you prepare these aspects of yourelf before traveling? Well, on my trip to Zambia we were able to meet with our team prior to departure, which was some good preparation. This time around I have been able to have brief contact with some of the girls going on the trip, so that sufficiently satisfies the aspect of getting to know some of your team. One thing I have been doing that I had not really done before is learning about the culture and people I am going to serve. For anyone who plans to take a trip, I highly encourage this. It is not a confirmed theory from personal experience, but I believe this will help you to relate to the people there and also have respect and understanding for them and their culture. Just a hunch. One thing I need to get on is language. I have strong intentions of attempting some of the Thai language prior to the language classes I will take in Thailand- but they have yet to develop to anything more than intentions. I think the intimidation is delaying my efforts, its about time I buck up and give it a whirl. Anyways, my point in speaking of preparation is how I prepare myself spiritually for this trip? It is not a 'missions' trip where the aim of the project is to spread the love of Christ and message of salvation to those who have yet to experience it. But for my Christian readers, that should be our daily aim. In reality, there is no difference I suppose. My beliefs will obviously still remain constant, but the challenge is in balancing that with respect and courtesy for the organization and the people I will be serving. I think largely what comes to mind is Paul's journey. He related well to people because (although he never compromised his beliefs) he followed the laws of other religions and cultures in order to accomplish his purpose, or rather God's purpose.

"Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having teh law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."

1 Corinthians 9:19-23

Skills. Mad skills. To mold to someone/something else while still retaining your true self, this is where a challenge seems to arrise. This is one challenge I intend to prepare for in this month prior to departure. pray. advise. encourage.

K

In the know.

Feeling left out, here's the solution! Allow me to fill you in on life... at least as far as it relates to me, my Thailand trip and the things surrounding. Sounds selfish, eh?


Some of you may have already heard this little spiel in my support letters; but if not, here is a brief description of my Thailand trip...
God has presented me with the opportunity to participate in a volunteer abroad program through the organization Proworld to Chiang Mai, Thailand. I will be departing from Denver on July 11, 2012 and returning from Thailand on August 8, 2012. I will be traveling alone to join a group of volunteers, staff, and residents to serve the people in and around the Chiang Mai area. The first week will consist of partnering with a local women’s shelter to teach English and do various projects with the girls. The following week I will be traveling to a mountainside village to support the local anti-trafficking organization and the government clinic staff in providing basic health care and education to the villagers. For the third week, I will travel back to Chiang Mai to work with a local school in providing English classes, as well as basic health training. I will be living in the local shelter for the first and last week and with a hill tribe homestay for the second week. Weeks one and three will also consist of Thai language classes to gain better communication with the people I will be serving. The weekends are left relatively open for the volunteers to have a break and do some exploring. I am taking an additional 3 days after the program ends to do some traveling in the area with another girl on the team. No worries family, I, uh, know self defense. But more reliable than my skills: God is sovereign.

Blessed.

K